​Lately, I’ve been having nightmares. The kind where I wake up sharply in the middle of the night and stare into the darkness, trying to discern what’s real. I pause for just a moment, feeling relieved that it’s only a dream.

And, then I remember. And that sinking feeling returns.

Because the reality is that many of us are experiencing multiple layers of Grief right now — individually and collectively. Loss of loved ones, loss of job, loss of security, loss of identity, loss of health and wellbeing, loss of connection, loss of a world that we thought we knew but maybe never was.

Simultaneously, new wounds trigger pre-existing ones. Childhood wounds. Family wounds. Generational wounds. Systemic and historical wounds that many of us had long before this crisis hit and that will continue to hurt long after this crisis ebbs, and another flows.

If you’re like me, you might be feeling emotional as hell. The mood swings feel like erratic yo-yos swinging from all directions. It’s exhausting.

​But that’s what Grief is.

If you’ve lost a loved one, you might be familiar with the Kübler-Ross Grief Model. Hospitals and grief counselors love handing out little pamphlets describing the five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, or DABDA for short.

​The model was originated by the Swiss-American psychiatrist in the late 1960s as a tool to help patients with terminal illness make sense of their emotions as they moved through the painful process of reckoning with death.

Over the years, mental health professionals — including Kübler-Ross herself — have updated the model, adding more stages to validate a broader range of emotions when coping with any kind of loss.

Like all models, DABDA looks really nice on a chart. It gives us hope that we are just in a phase. Soon we’ll move onto the next one, and then the next… and if we follow the “normal” path of human emotion, there might even be a deeper level of meaning beyond Acceptance.

When my father was dying of pancreatic cancer, I was obsessed with DABDA — constantly checking my emotional state to see which stage I was in — then feeling worse about myself every time I reverted back to Anger.

But the thing is — Grief doesn’t alway follow a predictable cycle.

And the problem with models is that when our experience doesn’t fit the mold, we may feel self judgment and shame. “Not only do I feel like sh*t, but now I feel bad about feeling sh*tty because clearly, I should be over it by now.” That old chestnut.

And so long as we are paralyzed with self judgment, we aren’t feeling the underlying feeling that needs validation in order to move through it.

​In real life, Grief may feel like a wave. Or a spiral. 

Or it can feel like a jumbled mess of emotions that come, go, or stay, at any point in time. We may flip flop from Frustration to Sorrow to Joy, to Anger, to Gratitude — all in a matter of moments — and, that’s okay.

​And while some may call out Anticipatory Grief — the feeling of impending uncertainty or doom, and Vicarious Grief — the feeling of pain over another’s loss — those feelings are still Grief, and they are still valid. Labels can be helpful for some, and minimizing for others. In the end, it’s all Grief.

So here is the opportunity:

What if we reclaimed ourselves as the experts of our own healing journeys?

What if we got curious about our own (and others’) desire to bypass, numb, or shortcut the sh*tty feelings and move on, because we (and others) feel uncomfortable with feeling uncomfortable?

What if we acknowledged our right to just feel what we feel, and to have that be okay?

​Because even though my path may look different from yours, honoring our agency to create our own paths is what healing is all about. And that is one way that we can get through these difficult times — together.

By Amy Paulson

Like so many I know, I have been having panic attacks lately. Making breakfast. At the gym. In my bed. Some are mild. Others are not... Suddenly, my heart is racing, ears pounding, chest tightens, stomach doubled over in pain, and I can't breathe... I'm grateful for the knowledge of what is happening when it's happening. So, I do all the things I am supposed to: Stand against a wall. Breathe deeply. Notice the sights and smells around me. Pat my arms and legs. Allow myself to cry if I need to. And remind myself of where I am - that I am not being chased by a tiger in this moment (literally, if not politically or existentially). And after several minutes, when my nervous system has calmed down, I write down what I was thinking about before it came, so I can talk about it with someone later - my therapist, Andy, a friend (thank you Rachel!).

This last time it happened, a voice whispered in my head over and over, until I was saying the words to myself out loud:

Protect your tender and ferocious heart.
Protect your tender and ferocious heart.
Protect your tender and ferocious heart.

*****

I'm learning to embrace my inner wisdom without questioning it. And here's what it's telling me in this moment.

1. Name the response.

Overwhelming anxiety is a normal response to the extraordinary times we are in as individuals and as a collective. Shame, silence, and stigma about trauma, toxic stress, and anxiety are metabolized into the body and can lead to long-term health issues, chronic pain, and disease. I will NOT feed that. Rather than hiding it, naming it aloud helps.

2. Express it.

I was socialized to be a "good girl" - the kind who doesn't express anger. Oh, I feel it alright. But it used to stay frozen inside me until I numbed it (in a variety of ways). Lately, I've been practicing expressing that anger. Screaming. Shaking. Wailing. Beating my pillow. (Whatever feels safe in the moment - sometimes that is silent screaming.) And when I do it fully and completely, a cathartic relief washes over me like cool water over a fire. My whole body feels differently afterwards. And can be open to a new possibility.

3. Lean into community. 

I am an introvert (doing an extrovert's job). I need plenty of alone time. And... I also need community. This is not the time to retreat into the depths of my private echo chamber where my head continues to ruminate with obsessive thoughts, anger, and fear. It is time to connect, share, love, nurture, be vulnerable about how I am feeling, and strengthen my community... which in turn strengthens me. Because that is what builds resilience. And collective power. And holy shit, do we need that.

4. Protect the heart.

My heart is fucking broken. And I want to lash out (and at times, I have been). But underneath my fury is deep sadness. I must tend to that grief with care. Because doing anything else will simply be acting from that place of fear and hate that got us here in the first place. That cycle of trauma and harm that will persist until I, we, disrupt it with love and healing. So that I, we, can cultivate the hope that is so desperately needed to imagine and create a world different from this reality.

For me, that means all the self care / self love stuff: eating (mostly) healthy, body work, resistance training (helps with the anger!), sleep, petting animals, enjoying nature, practicing gratitude, and making it a point to reading about and watch positive things to help rewire my negativity bias.

And, I will continue to say this prayer / mantra / blessing to myself. Over and over. As many times as I need to until my heart rate slows down, I can breathe again, and remember my purpose for being here on this planet: to give and receive love and connection.
​
If it feels right, I invite you to say it with me. To feel the meaning of the words as they seep into your cells. And to give yourself the love and care to heal your heart too. ​

By Amy Paulson
​​
May is one of my favorite months of the year.  Spring is in full bloom (hello, allergies) as bright pink, orange, and purple flowers flaunt their beauty, brightening up my garden and my day.

​Perhaps it is fitting then that May is Mental Health Awareness month (who wants to celebrate mental health during gray January?) - a time to raise awareness about living with mental illness, so we can break the silence and promote mental health and healing.

But, I’m gonna be honest: I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated that national conversations about mental health in America tend to only happen when they are linked to an episode of gun violence.  

I’m frustrated that the Netflix show, “13 Reasons Why” had so many opportunities to highlight the urgency of caring for our youth’s mental and emotional health - and they totally missed the mark by focusing on revenge and romanticizing suicide.

I’m frustrated that with umpteen million social media platforms promoting sharing and human connection, we are still stuck in a cycle of silence about mental health and well-being.  

And, frankly, I’m frustrated that we are still even calling it mental health and well-being.  

Because really, isn’t it human health and well-being?  

Thanks to science, we know that mental health affects not only our cognitive brain, but also our physical health, emotional health, and our connection to self, family, community, and the world.  

But when we reduce trauma, for example, to just a mental health issue, its causes and treatment get de-prioritized and de-funded like many other mental health issues in our schools, in the workplace, and in our health system.  When really, it should be treated like the community crisis that it is.  

Trauma is a symptom of family, of origin issues, violence, bullying, abuse, and systemic oppression and injustice.  Its causes and effects are deeply relational, impacting families, schools, workplaces, and communities.  Yet it can also lead to lack of focus in school, loss of economic productivity, and breakdown of civil society.  Left untreated, its effects are inherited by future generations.

But, before we can even start to tackle the problem of trauma or any other holistic human issue - we have to start talking about the hard stuff.  We have to be willing to share not just our selfie vacation porn, but also our real human-ness - our sadness, despair, fear, vulnerability, imperfections, and all the complex, emotional, messy shit as well.  And, it doesn’t have to be online.  It could even be, dare I say, in a real, live human conversation.

And, likewise, we have to respond to others with compassion and kindness and stop trying fix their problems or tritely say, “Don’t worry, it’ll get better...” - because when was the last time you actually felt better when someone said that to you?  Sometimes just having another person acknowledge our pain is all we need.  

So, next time someone reaches out to you in a time of need, try something like this:  “Thank you for sharing with me.  I’m so sorry you are feeling shitty.  I can really feel your pain and sadness.  I care about you, and I’m here for you if you need a hug, a shoulder, or someone to just listen.  You don’t have to go through this alone.”  

Bottom line: let’s be more vulnerable, and in doing so, create positive human connection and health.  Like any good facilitator, I will model it first.  Here I go:

My husband’s grandpa recently died.  During the funeral, while I was crying, I realized that my tears were awash with guilt and sadness over not spending enough time with my own grandparents when they were alive.  I didn’t ask them stories about their childhoods.  I didn’t ask my grandpa how hard the Depression was, or my grandma what it was like to be told she couldn’t go to college.  Instead, I was a self-absorbed teenager who cared more about whether my friends liked me than about spending time with my sassy grandma before the Alzheimer’s really took over.  Then, I felt bad that I was crying over my own stuff instead of supporting my husband through his grief.

So, that’s me.  Now, you go...

We are thrilled to announce the recent launch of the life skills and leadership class for high school students at Bright Horizon Children's Home (BHCH).  With the healing skills learned through the Safe Embrace Trauma Healing (SETH) training program in January 2015, local teachers are now equipped with skills to address symptoms of trauma, empower students to develop self-confidence and emotional intelligence, and promote healing, leadership, and personal transformation.  

We are incredibly grateful for BHCH teachers' efforts in spreading grassroots healing skills to communities in Nepal.

Nepal birth

I was born in Nepal fighting for breath, for my life and my mother’s life. I learned how to fight to protect before I learned to walk. Thankfully, my mom stopped using heroin when she was four months pregnant, though seven and a half months in, the placenta severed, after she fell down the stairs during an earthquake. When I was born, I was four pounds, and told it took months for my arms and fists to relax and unfurl away from my body. At the hospital, they placed me in a proxy incubator, a cardboard box, in a room away from my mom. The first people to take care of me were Nepali nurses.

Mom left Nepal when I was still a baby, and took me back to the states. Four years later, she left her boyfriend, after he hit me and then her. She was like Wonder Woman. She was tough. She was from Jersey.  But later she stayed when her next live-in boyfriend, George, hit her.  He was emotionally, physically and sexually abusive to both of us. I vowed I’d never be in a relationship that was abusive.

After Mom broke up with George, her free spirit again had air to breathe, and when I was 16 we went back to Nepal.

Marilyn

I met Marilyn. She was a family friend who took over our restaurant in Nepal when my mom left. Marilyn gave up her American citizenship and become a Nepali citizen. She was an 80lb wisp of a woman. From the minute Marilyn got off her motorbike wearing red high-water corduroy pants, and purple tennis shoe, she delighted me. 

Marilyn led jungle tours and worked at a shelter for battered women and children. With fierce brilliance, she edited books about women’s rights. When she spoke about the mistreatment of women, her voice grew louder, full of sharply annunciated consonants that I imagined built safe houses. She was strength and comfort personified.

When it was time to return to California, I begged my mom to leave me in Nepal. I wanted to stay and work with Marilyn. I wanted more of what she had, whatever it was. Marilyn saw me and appreciated my gift: the part of me that knew how to fight for, protect and nurture others. 

“What if I refuse to get on the plane? You can’t force me.” But, things were finally good between us. I boarded the plane to go back, but left a part of myself there, with a promise I’d go back.

Received

On January 15th this year, I fulfilled my dream.

I am finally in Nepal, at the Bright Horizon’s Children’s Home. There is a view of the Himalayas from the guesthouse we are staying in. I look out at the white-capped mountains surrounded by clouds of pink. Water pours from my eyes. This is my heart opening. 

The teachers give me an incredible gift. They bring me back to basics. I speak in broken English and overly expressive gestures. We hold them in a field of agape, unconditional love, and introduce a hugging culture. 

I am deeply touched by how enthusiastically the Nepali teachers receive us.  The intimacy we create with the teachers progressively breaks down gender taboos. Male teachers test the waters first by hugging us, then each other and the female teachers. Then this spreads to the children. 

One of the experiences that moves me the most, is witnessing how collective healing in community is embodied in their culture. By day three of our training, during a tea break, spontaneous singing and dancing breaks out.  Instead of going back to class we recognize this as a way they inherently know how to resource after the hard conversations about the symptoms and the causes of trauma.  We keep dancing.

I am overwhelmed by the expansive feeling in my heart, and cry from gratitude every day. Layers of old stories that belonged to my family, about being alone, having to fight and work hard to be loved, are shed. Here I am, stepping into a new story of extended family and unconditional love. One that says “being” is more than enough. I leave with my heart full of family, (nane and me) godsons and goddaughters, brothers and sisters. 

Healing

I healed my own trauma over the past 25 years, so I could be of service in a sustainable way. I am here now. To stand for the end to the abuse of children and violence towards women everywhere, because no woman and child should stand alone. To stand for the reclaiming of our bodies as our own so that all women and children can access safety, comfort and joy.  To stand for love and safe physical contact, because it’s what is twisted, misused and withheld in abusive cycles.

This January, with the support of the SETH program, I came full circle, back to my sixteen-year-old intention. I began the work Marilyn inspired me to do. I stayed with her in Swayambhu and took care of her during part of my visit. When I reported how well our training at the school was going, she looked up at me. That familiar toothy grin rose like the moon above the table and shone on me,“That’s great”. 

As an incredible epilogue to this journey, Marilyn died shortly after my visit with her, and passed the torch to me. I will carry on the legacy that she left behind, but will include myself in the circle of care.  Her joyful presence will always be remembered.

By Amy Paulson

There is a small pond in Matatirtha, a rural village resting high above Kathmandu valley, whose name in Nepali means Mother Earth.  On Mother’s Day, orphans come to the pond to look at their reflections in the mirror of the water and see the face of their mothers.  

It is this serene and spiritual place of Mother Earth that we journeyed to earlier this January to empower healing, dignity, joy, and transformation for the students and teachers at Bright Horizon Children’s Home (BHCH), a school and safe haven for nearly 300 orphans and vulnerable children from the poorest, most remote areas of Nepal.

Each morning, 25 teachers, caregivers, and staff arrived to a freezing classroom, greeted warmly with smiles and hugs by our co-founder and creator of the Safe Embrace Trauma Healing (SETH) program, Elayne Kalila Doughty, MA, MFT.  Originally developed as a grassroots healing model for caregivers who work with female survivors of sexual and gender based violence, the SETH curriculum has since been adapted to work with anyone whose trauma originates from the challenges faced by communities in fragile settings: conflict, abuse, human trafficking, disease, abandonment, extreme poverty, and more. 

Co-facilitating the training was Charna Cassell, MA, MFT.  Last December, Charna joined our SETH L2 global activism program where therapists, social workers, and other healing professionals learn the SETH curriculum and how to teach it in a global setting, fundraise among their communities as healing activists, and volunteer their skills at projects around the world.

After one week of training, a second week of observation and coaching, and the launching of a leadership and life skills course for early high school students taught by the teachers most interested in facilitating healing trainings with other organizations and communities in Nepal, we achieved the following outcomes:

By Amy Paulson

Last Tuesday, I returned from Nepal where I spent almost three weeks helping to oversee our trauma healing training, photography, music, and LEGO projects at Bright Horizon Children's Home. My experience was transformational, heart-opening, and deeply meaningful (project update coming soon).

And yet, sitting in my comfortable, heated home in San Francisco for the past week, I've felt a sense of melancholy. I get this way every time I return from field work abroad. I've written about this phenomenon before. I've warned volunteers about it. I commiserated with co-founder Elayne about it on the phone last week. Still, it always surprises me when it happens. Like when I returned from field work in Cambodia a few years ago and drove straight to the French Alps the next day, only to sit in the snow at the top of a ski lift, tears streaming down my face, wondering what in the world all these people were doing gliding on sticks down the mountain.

This time, the feeling hit me like a freight train. 

It's hard to describe it. It starts with overwhelming gratitude as I arrive at home, take a long hot shower, then sleep soundly in my warm, fluffy bed - in contrast to the freezing cold bed where I slept at the children's home, snoozing every night under three layers of heavy blankets, fully clothed in thermals, slippers, scarf, gloves, and beanie (those conditions were quite posh compared to the way most in Nepal live). I couldn't muster the energy to shower every day (or even every other day). The icy water was unbearable when the power was out; the hot water supply was limited. 

Then, it shifts to sadness. As I look around me at all the people innocently going about their daily routine, I feel confused. I want to shout: Do you understand that half the world lives in poverty? Do you know that many of our fellow humans, including little children, are often abandoned, persecuted, left for dead, or even killed because of their gender, faith, or caste? Do you know that you hit the jackpot being born in ________ [insert: any developed country in the world]? 

I wonder, how can the rest of the world continue about their day unknowingly while this terrible injustice of humanity rages on? And, what does it mean that I am also guilty of living mindlessly, coveting material things, not giving thought to others in the world?

At the same time, I feel sorrow that so many people will never see or experience the heart-opening love that I was honored to witness in Nepal. I listened to a student talk about how the oxygen of his breath in deep meditation is like a medicine he gives to his mother. I saw a teacher apologize if he ever unknowingly hurt another person after learning about the definition of abuse. I observed the teachers making human statue examples of what an empowered person looks like, from one teacher standing with palms facing up, saying "thank you, thank you, thank you" to two male teachers courageously demonstrating a loving embrace. And, I danced, sang, and celebrated our aliveness with teachers, staff workers, and children throughout our stay.

By Amy Paulson

It’s almost 11pm in Matatirtha, Nepal. The power was out for 11 hours today. My laptop battery is about to die. My headlamp is secured to my fuzzy earflap hat, blanket wrapped cozily around my lap, scarf wound tightly around my neck. With no central heating, and portable electric heaters that don’t work when the power is out, the little propane heater in our guest apartment at Bright Horizon Children’s Home roars away, warming up the freezing space enough to be live-able… at least for us non-Nepalis. The bottle of whiskey helps, too.

Electricity in Nepal is a rare gift. Blackouts (“load-shedding”) are a reality for people here, especially at this time of year when water otherwise used for hydropower is frozen. Blackouts can last up to 16 hours a day. Generators are only available for those who can afford it. 

For us visitors, it means that the few hours a day when the electricity is on, we furiously scramble to our laptops, send our important emails and post updates on Facebook, letting friends and loved ones know how we are doing. Connectivity is painfully slow. Sometimes it takes one hour to post one photo on Facebook…that is, if you have the patience to wait that long.

For Nepali locals, it means that working via computer is a constant uphill battle. Mobile phones may allow many Nepalis to connect on Facebook or text loved ones - but oftentimes even doing a basic Google search becomes a whole day-long ordeal. Never mind YouTube. Netflix? Uh, no. WebMD, Khan Academy, Wordpress, Wikipedia, or any other educational or practical web-based resource? Forget about it.

And yet, the kids here learn HTML for their national exams. Their teacher, Ajay, explained how difficult it is teach computer class when the electricity and internet are always out. If the power goes back on after the school day ends, Ajay often stays late helping the students learn whatever the day’s lesson should have been. 

At night, sometimes the lights go off, like they did while we were eating dinner last week. When the lights flicker back on, our Nepali friends make a small gesture, moving their hand from their forehead to their heart and back again: a beautiful blessing of thanks for light, for electricity… for a basic necessity that we all take for granted. 

Yet, in the absence of that connection to electrical power, the people here have a connection with each other. They laugh, cry, and share with each other - not through an electronic device, but in real, face-to-face conversations with each other. 

Even tonight, we sat together in the dark, a battery-powered LED light in the corner of the dark kitchen, and we talked about the incredible hospitality, love, and connection among the people of Nepal... the connections we have made with the staff and teachers in the SETH training, the little children who hold our hands, desperate for a feeling of love and safety, the cook who smiles at us with a twinkle of kindness in his eyes, the Tibetan monk who shares stories with us about the hardships not just of Tibetan refugees in Nepal but of the Nepali locals themselves. 

That connection reminds me to be grateful. So, as I sit here in the dark, I move my hand from my forehead to my heart, saying a little blessing for the ease and abundance of electrical power that fuels my connection at home, and for the lessons about love, life, and deeply meaningful connection here in Nepal. 

It is with joy and enthusiasm that our team travel to Nepal this week. One facet of the trip is to train the staff and caregivers at Bright Horizon Children’s Home to use the Safe Embrace Trauma Healing (SETH) program.  This will empower them to help the orphans and vulnerable children in their care who may be experiencing grief, guilt and other unexpressed trauma. ‘Trauma can negatively impact a child's ability to concentrate, learn, develop healthy social relationships and thrive as an independent adult' . Creative arts is one of the three central tenets of the SETH program and self-expression and story-telling will be further developed and encouraged through a music workshop and via a ‘Photography As Healing’ project, during which kids will learn how to take photos, document their lives and create memory books. 

Memories, thoughts and feelings are often held in, contained, confined. Instead negative emotion and trauma may be evident in challenging or withdrawn behaviour. The chance to voice the unexpressed, through dance, drama, music, art and photography will give these children an opportunity to tell their stories, show what they feel inside without necessarily having to resort to the complexities of words that don’t flow easily or naturally, or just don’t exist to describe their particular turmoil and trouble.

As the artist Georgia O’Keeffe describes it ‘I found I could say things with colour and shapes that I couldn’t say any other way – things I had no words for.’ 

In fact, we all have stories to tell. I would argue it’s an essential part of being human to need to find ways to articulate our personal narratives and who we are, to help us come to terms with our past, enjoy our present and plan for our future.  Creativity also helps us move through life with more comfort and peace. For me, happiness, enjoyment and self-expression come from writing (for and as a part of this amazing foundation by blogging and helping Amy put her story into book form), visual imagery and creating jewellery with recycled objects and vintage ‘finds’. Rather than internalizing what’s going on in the incessant monologue in my head, I have an outlet for my emotions and it’s really helpful.

As a foundation, we look forward to using creativity and other parts of the SETH program to help address trauma. The children’s creativity, in the form of their photos and recordings of their music will be shared once the trip is complete. They will tell their stories. 

(Reposted from The Gracias Foundation, now called Global Gratitude Alliance)

We are the proud recipients of a generous grant from Stanford University's Center on Philanthropy and Civil Society!  

After a rigorous vetting process led by students as part of a course called "Theories of Civil Society, Philanthropy, and the Nonprofit Sector," The Gracias Foundation was selected based on its trauma healing program for survivors of sexual and gender based violence.  Stanford students also chose to grant additional funding for building capacity and growing the impact of The Gracias Foundation.

Gracias President, Amy Paulson, accepted the grant in June at an event on the Stanford campus, together with students, class and department faculty, and six other Bay Area nonprofits who also received grants this year.

Thank you to Stanford University for believing in the efficacy of our work! We are deeply honored and humbled to receive this grant award. Read on for the Press Release

(Reposted from The Gracias Foundation, now called Global Gratitude Alliance)

What does your profile pic look like on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram?  Is it a headshot, a photo of you with family or friends, or an icon or quote?  Do you use your birth name or a pseudonym?  

What we show to the world online says a lot about who we are.  We have a choice as to how we present ourselves. Sometimes we may even protect ourselves - blocking personal details from the scrutiny of the public. Likewise, we protect the identities of the children, teens and women we support.  We are sensitive to their rights to remain safe and secure. 

For example, some of the kids we work with carry the intense weight of two secrets they can't reveal to their classmates:  

1. They are orphans.
2. They are HIV positive.  

(Reposted from The Gracias Foundation, now called Global Gratitude Alliance)

This January, we're turning two!  We are thrilled by how much we've achieved together, and YOU are at the center of it all.  So, a huge Thank You (Gracias) to everyone!  We hope you'll enjoy our birthday video!

By Amy Paulson (Reposted from The Gracias Foundation, now called Global Gratitude Alliance)

One of the biggest lessons that I’ve had to learn in life – and in the world of international development work – is to let go.  

I’m a Type A control freak so this lesson isn’t one that comes easily for me.  Rather, it’s a constant process. 

For those who knew me in my former life as a finance manager, with my color-coded spreadsheets and perfect PowerPoint slides, this comes as no surprise.  For those who don’t know me – you’ve now been warned.